"My toddler sleeps with us every night. I’m worried that for the rest of his life he won’t be able to fall asleep unless he’s next to a middle-aged man that he can kick in the neck throughout the night"
"Okay Ladies, we’re on to you…We want you to know that we know that you have an expensive bottle of shampoo that you purchased at the hair salon. We know that you use this expensive shampoo and hide it from us when it’s our turn to shower. We know that you leave us with the cheap shampoo that you bought in bulk in 2008 when that pharmacy closed up the street. We can read an expiration date. Even the kids’ shampoo is more expensive than ours. It’s no wonder that our hair is falling out. And when it’s all over and you finished with your expensive shampoo bottle you hide it in the bottom of the recycling can like some shamed shampooholic. But just so you know…we know your secret."
"When a child gets cut, as parents we bleed."
"What I like most as a father…what I like very most in the whole world is knowing that my children are sleeping safely in their owns beds. What I like least is trying to get them into those beds."
"My kids spend all day, everyday just trying to be like an adult. And all I want to do is to be a child again."
"Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in mypatheticblog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the author’s wife, children or collective family, or any agency representing the home. Excessive use of words like naked, sperm, cervix, fertility, testicles or rectum is not condoned or championed by any representative of said agency except the author. This disclaimer should be read prior and after reading each pathetic post. Personal apologies will be sent out upon request coupled with a self-addressed stamped envelope."
"If conception was as difficult as labor we’d have a population crisis."
"First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you."
— F. Scott Fitzgerald
I…We are married to this home and all its unfortunate characteristics.
II…Avoid the minivan at the drive-thru
III…Dads should not streak
IV…It’s only ok to throw something out of a moving car if it can otherwise be used as evidence against you.
V…I wish to have a crowded funeral.
VI…If parenting is a job then grandparenting is a promotion.
VII…Is it wrong to resent the children of mansions?
VIII…I like your birthday suit
IX…My hotmail.com account thinks I’m a gal.
X…Every man should have a chainsaw story.
"If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery—isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is."
— Charles Bukowski, Factotum
(Source: liquidnight, via diamondfarah)
"once I accept my life as it is I am then resigned to live it…as it is."