March 2012
2 posts
I Still Remember My First Time
I still remember my first time. I remember exactly how it felt. It was so exhilarating, yet shameful. It was so intimate, yet invasive. It was so simple, yet my life would be forever complicated by its presence.
I still remember my first time. I felt like a little boy in a candy store, but also like some voyeuristic pervert being watched by everyone I had...
February 2012
29 posts
4 tags
Make Me Feel My Love
When the rain is blowing in your face And the whole world is on your case I could offer you a warm embrace To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear And there is no one there to dry your tears I could hold you for a million years To make you feel my love
I know you haven’t made your mind up yet But I would never do you wrong I’ve known it from the moment that we...
2 tags
2 tags
My Marriage is My Home
My marriage is my home. It all started with two naïve bricks, and now it continues to grow.
Everyday another piece is layered in. Another window to the soul added. Another color painted to the interior. Each additional building material supported by the strength of those two original bricks. It just keeps growing. Those bricks draw more strength by the weight of those joists above it.
Marriage...
4 tags
Getting To Maybe
It didn’t take long for my little experiment to end. Getting to Yes got to NO real fast this Presidential weekend.
On Friday I told all of Facebook that I was going to go all four-day-weekend long without saying NO to my kids. By Saturday morning I was screaming No, No, No like Amy Winehouse….but a bit more feminine.
Not saying NO to one child for a short period of time is hard for any...
2 tags
An Email to My Wife….From My Beard.
From: yourhusbandsbeard@gmail.com
To: hisfaithfulwife01@hotmail.com
Re: That thing on his face
Hey Kevin’s Bride,
It’s Kevin’s Beard here. I just wanted to send you this email in an attempt to bury the hatchet between us.
Listen, I realize you’re not my biggest fan. You have been against the growing of me since my infancy, since I was merely a five o’clock shadow. But I’ve been here for the better...
“BUMPER STICKER: I Brake Like a Little Girl”
4 tags
We're Having Twins!
Guess who’s having twins?….Twin beds that is. Shhh! Don’t tell my wife, but I’m having these twin beds delivered on Wednesday. I got a great President’s Day deal! I can’t wait to finally get some sleep.
I love my wife. I love my kids. But after nine years of this I need some sleep.
Can’t a grown man get a bed to himself? Can’t a grown married couple agree to sleep in separate twin beds. It...
3 tags
I Had The Sex!
I had the sex last night. No, not last night…but some other “last night”. The point is…I had the sex and I just wanted to tell someone. Or two thousand someones.
That picture above of Calliou is what I feel when I have the sex. Not exactly like a four-year-old cartoon, but certainly damn close. After the sex I feel like some animated little boy jumping in the air
When I have the sex I feel...
“Why is it that when you give a kid a glass to drink from they give it back to...”
2 tags
Eight Favorite Josh Ritter Lyrics
I…All the other girls here are stars, you are the Northern Lights – Kathleen
II…There ain’t a single thing with wings that’s decided to stay – Leaving
III….No wonder that the babies come out crying in advance – Lantern
IV…the sad thing with life, people always leaving just as other folks arrive – Folk Bloodbath
V…I’m still waiting for the whiskey to whisk me away – Other Side
VI…Hoping...
4 tags
Men, Buy Your Daughter Flowers
Men, go buy your daughter flowers today.
You may not like Valentine’s Day. You may not agree with Valentine’s Day. You may be able to bore an entire dinner party with the origins of this marketing holiday. But be a man. Shut up and go buy your daughter flowers today.
Not because someone tells you to. Not because it is expected of you. Men, buy your daughters flowers because you want your...
3 tags
“What I like most as a father…what I like very most in the whole world is...”
“The results of Prune Juice and Miller Lite are about the same….Only Prude...”
“I hope my diarama wins 1st place!….Um, I mean my son’s diarama!”
January 2012
9 posts
3 tags
8 Bad Song Choices For the Kids' School Variety...
The Annual Elementary School Variety Show is just around the corner. And that means it’s time for each class to choose a song to dance to in front of the entire community in March.
Don’t worry. As a man I am smart enough to know to keep away from any and all variety show discussion. (But apparently, I’m not smart enough to not write a blog about it.)
So while all the moms around this small town...
3 tags
He's Not Cheating...He's Just Disgusting
It was just an innocent shower. But it turned out to be so much more.
After a particularly unfresh, unsanitary, rather unkempt Wednesday at work I came home and immediately took a shower. I arrived downstairs like a new man ready for some wholesome family time. However, my bride wanted to know why I took a shower as soon as I got home from work.
As it turns out Frequent Showering is the No. 1...
2 tags
A Ghostly Secret
I think we have a ghost in the house. It’s the craziest thing.
Once my bride decides that she’s done with the new Victoria’s Secret catalogue she puts it in the pile for recycling. For some odd, paranormal reason the silly catalogue never quite makes it to the trashcan, but keeps popping up in different areas of the house.
It’s just ghostly!
Which begs the question…Who’s catalogue is it?...
2 tags
Adopt a Horse
Meet Horsey, who first came to us 8 years ago. She is a quarter horse, made in China and originally shipped to us via the Fisher Price farm as a present to our first-born daughter. Horsey has entertained our daughter as well as her three brothers for thousands of rides. Sadly, we no longer have room in our house for Horsey and she is looking for a new home.
Horsey’s white coat has yellowed in...
2 tags
“My kids spend all day, everyday just trying to be like an adult. And all I want...”
I think I am a good writer. Then I re-read David Sedaris. Then I want to stop writing forever.
3 tags
Give Me My Christmas Card Back
I have a spot on my refrigerator for your Christmas card….but it never came.
I held the spot reserved for your season’s greetings from your family…but it never came.
I held out for a week after Christmas thinking your well wishes just took the long way to my mailbox this season…but it never came.
I don’t know what happened. We’ve been exchanging Christmas cards for the better part of ten years....
December 2011
3 posts
4 tags
A Drunken Christmas Carol
“Let me tell you a thing or two about Santa Claus, children! You think he loves you? Na, he don’t love you.”
The father knows that he has already said too much. He knows that he already caused enough damage with his opening statement. But he had enough. This was his And Justice For All moment, and damn to hell he was going to have his time to speak his truth, to shout his voice. So what if his...
2 tags
3 tags
My Pathetic Blog...Is Taking a Holiday
Excuse my upcoming absence. I will return next year.
Mypatheticblog is going on a month-long hiatus holiday to fully concentrate on my family during this hectic holiday month. I spread myself too thin as it is, but December offers a new set of challenges. And I’m actual going to try to enjoy this December for all that it’s worth.
It’s hard enough to be a father of four children in December, but...
November 2011
12 posts
3 tags
Lying: A Christmas Tradition
After five years of resistance, I finally decided to be part of the in-crowd and came home with The Elf on the Shelf.
I have known about this phenomnon since those two lady authors stitched their first pre-packaged elf, but year-in and year-out I decided against this tradition. So what took me so long? Well, I’m kind of a cynical, controlling scrooge who hates being part of the in-crowd.
As a...
2 tags
Runners, Let Your Freak Flag Fly!
A middle-aged, straight man should not have a favorite exercise outfit…But this one does.
Tight running pants bulging in all the wrong places with a light green long-sleeve T-shirt that brings out the emerald in my eyes. Fabulous! I tell you.
If you happened about Riverton Road in South Jersey yesterday all I can say is, “You’re welcome!”
And if you missed it then you will have another chance...
1 tag
Arts & Crafts Hoarders
There’s a new rule in my house. If you bring something into my house you need to leave with something of equal or greater value.
This means you, school children. Next time you come home from school with Made-In-China toys, completed homework and your amatuer artwork…you need to return to school the following day with all the extra board game pieces, last year’s Easter candy and all the word...
3 tags
Mommy Voted Most Popular of the Night
The Overnight Popularity Contest unofficially starts every evening just prior to children’s bedtime. The whole family spreads out on the wrap-around sofa. My wife in the middle covered with four children and me all by myself off to the left.
Sure I should be happy to be alone, to have room to move and air to breathe. But I look over at the love and can’t feel but saddened by losing this parental...